Many of us prefer to avoid conflict, but happy relationships aren’t necessarily argument-free.
At least one study found that the happiest couples didn’t argue less, but they argued better. Arguments can actually be a catalyst for growth and help strengthen relationships, says Maria Thestrup, a clinical psychologist based in Washington, D.C.
“We all have moments in all of our relationships where something is off or doesn’t feel good, so it is essential that we know how to deal with it,” she says. “And, actually, I would argue that the avoidance of having conflict in relationships actually has just as many negative consequences for all of us, including creating a lot of distance in relationships, which leads to loneliness, a sense of isolation. So I’m a huge advocate for really finding ways to do conflict well.”
5 tips from Maria Thestrup
Don’t avoid your emotions
“I would say just because a conflict is heated doesn’t mean it’s not constructive. It’s not that having a lot of feelings in a conflict is a bad thing. It’s what you do with them. And so if there’s curiosity, even if it’s done through gritted teeth, if there is a desire to understand the other perspective, if there’s a willingness to take responsibility for yourself and your feelings, those are all things that make a huge difference.”
Start by sharing your feelings
“I think often conflict goes best when you start talking about your feelings, so like the good old ‘I’ statement is super useful. I think most people respond best if they don’t feel blamed right out of the gate. Starting from a position of like, ‘I want to tell you how I am feeling,’ is always a really good start.”
Be curious
One way that curiosity can be really helpful is that it stops you from assuming that you know what’s happening. I need to improve my understanding of the other person, even if it kind of pisses me off and I don’t like it.”
Be aware of your triggers
“Having a sense of what it’s touching on in you is really helpful, and finding a way to notice that and even just name that can be helpful of like, ‘I am feeling really overwhelmed right now. I want to keep talking to you, and I don’t think I can do that right in this moment. Can we take a break?’ And also offer that you’ll be back. Like you’re not leaving, you’re not abandoning the conversation or the relationship for that matter, but you are trying to take good care of that part of you because you don’t want to do damage to the relationship.”
How to give a good apology
“I think we’ve all been taught to say, ‘I’m sorry’ at the end of a conflict. And I think actually like there’s an art to a really good sorry. A good sorry is one [where] I think we’re in touch with a real sense of acknowledgement of our part [in the conflict], and [saying] ‘I’m sorry about my part and how I impacted you.’ Like almost like sharing what you’d like to keep doing differently with that person. So [it’s] both an acknowledgement of what responsibility you feel from whatever went on in that conflict and what led to that conflict, but also like an eye towards, here’s how I want to get better at it with you.”
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Samantha Raphelson produced and edited this interview for broadcast with Catherine Welch. Raphelson also adapted it for the web.
This article was originally published on WBUR.org.
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