Julia Gonzalez is a student at the University of Missouri originally from Texas. She’s a transgender woman and spoke about the importance of diverse representation, as well about finding confidence in her identity.
Alphabet Soup shares LGBTQ+ Missourians’ stories through portraiture and personal narratives.
Julia Gonzalez: I'm not out to my family right yet, but the way that my parents were, that my family was, was that everything from the outside world is bad, the only things that are good are things that are from the Bible.
So, I grew up with a sort of, like, “Don't say queer” attitude, we didn't talk about it.
It wasn’t until junior year that I actually started questioning my gender identity, right? Because up until then, I was like, you know, “I'm bisexual, pansexual, or whatever.”
"So, at this point in my life, I have made family outside of my family."Julia Gonzalez
So, I think it was senior year of high school that I was like, “No, I'm changing my pronouns to she/her, and I’m changing my name is Julia.”
It's like feminine, obviously, but it's also like, simple. It's also a Mexican name. I wanted it to be a Mexican name.
So, I'm a trans woman, and I want to be comfortable my identity, right? I'm reading these books, I'm watching these TV shows – “Oh, there's another trans woman. She's white, she's skinny, she's tall, she's blonde. There's another one – she’s white, skinny, tall, blonde.”
I celebrate with my whole heart when I actually feel represented because it's difficult, because I'm a trans woman, and I'm not – I'm not skinny, and I'm not tall, and I'm not blonde. I'm not white.
So, I feel like people haven't seen as much of me, you know, there's a set idea about “passing,” but also, even within trans women's spaces, there's also that idea of, “Aren't you even trying?” It gets on my nerves that I can't even feel comfortable, like, dressing to look cool.
You're talking about getting comfortable with defying the morals that you were raised with – it's a very uncomfortable thing. It takes time carving out that place for yourself where you feel respected.
“If I’m excited, I go skating. If I’m mad, I go skating. If I just need to time out of a room, my board opens up the entire city to me. It’s a very important hobby,” Gonzalez said. “My journaling is something that brings a patience and consideration to my life. Having my own notebooks, holding my thoughts and feelings, it makes me feel like a more well-defined person. … That drawing was made by a close friend of mine in [the] mini sketchbook I have. I make everyone I meet doodle in it once. It feels like a fun quirk. Well, I was particularly blown away ‘cause it just looked so beautiful and full of life. Also, the girls are really pretty.”
I know it's right. I know that this isn't wrong.
I was like, “I don't need my parents’ permission to be happy,” and that's why I'm looking for housing–
Laughter
That's why I'm looking for housing right now.
You have your housing, you have your telephone bill, you know, you have your college – it's not easy to choose, you know, there's so many things on the line, but the truth is, these things exist at the same time.
"I would have never dreamed three years ago that I'd be living in Missouri, much less than I'd be working my ass off to live here, you know?"Julia Gonzalez
You're out and you're visibly queer and you've made the decision to be so, to be that, and you're scared.
So, at this point in my life, I have made family outside of my family, and I have a lot of trouble inside of my family, and I feel like they don't understand me, right?
I'm going to move forward, and once I have my own apartment, once I'm paying my own phone bill – I'll come out to them, and, like, I'm not anticipating a warm reception.
I'm going into that off of the wisdom that other trans people have given me about, like, their first reaction won’t be their last reaction. They're going to be upset and then confused, and most of all, they're going to feel like this is a decision in their hands.
But once they realize that this is out of their hands, that's, I think, going to be a more honest reaction.
I would have never dreamed three years ago that I'd be living in Missouri, much less than I'd be working my ass off to live here, you know? But I live my life, and it took me here. Like this is where my life is right now.
