KBIA News

Alphabet Soup

What radical courage does it take to love in the face of hate? Through portraiture and personal narratives highlighting joy, belonging, found family and meaningful romantic and platonic relationships, KBIA’s Alphabet Soup challenges the notion that Missouri’s LGBTQ+ community is a monolith.Tucked away within the amalgamation of letters that makes up the LGBTQ+ community and the complex identities each represents is joy: rebellious, resistant, radiant. If you have a story you would like to share, visit https://tinyurl.com/LGBTQJoy or contact news@kbia.org.Created by Bailey Stover.

Caitlin Cunningham: “The word pansexual … is what really kind of connected with me."

KBIA | By Reporter & Photographer: Bailey Stover, Producer: Alex Cox, Photo Editor: Nick Sheaffer

Published November 8, 2024 at 2:39 PM CST

Caitlin Cunningham laughs while sitting on their couch on Saturday, April 20, 2024, at their home in Columbia. “When you know so much darkness, suddenly the light is so bright,” Cunningham said. “I mean, queer joy will blind you. You should live so brightly that it hurts people’s eyes. Other people should have to put on sunglasses [because] you’re living so brightly.” Cunningham, who is 40 years old, is pansexual, nonbinary and non-monogamous. “You know the big joke is always, ‘Oh, you know you’re non-monogamous when your color-coded calendar is shared with four other people.’ And, it’s true. You have to be on top of your A game in terms of keeping things organized because you’re going to hurt somebody’s feelings otherwise,” Cunningham said. “Yes, it’s difficult. Yeah, you joke about calendars and getting together and having enough energy and everything, but ultimately time and energy are the limiting factors. Love is not the limiting factor.”

Caitlin Cunningham is nonbinary and pansexual. They spoke about their first queer crush and how it helped them better understand their sexuality and their gender identity.

Caitlin Cunningham: I was in high school, and I was in show choir, and there was a girl who was a year ahead of me in school, and I don't know, I just thought she was really funny, and I just wanted to get to know her better.

Alphabet Soup shares LGBTQ+ Missourians’ stories through portraiture and personal narratives.

And I was like lamenting to a friend of mine who happened to be a gay man, and I was lamenting to him about like, how, like, “I think I might like, like this person,” like, “that's weird,” like, “I want to get to know them a lot more, and I find myself feeling the way that I do about like boys about this person,” and he was like, “Well, you should tell them.”

"I found coming out as nonbinary to be, and identifying as nonbinary to be, something that is a vastly different experience than being queer in my sexuality."

Caitlin Cunningham

And me being who I am. I was like, “Yeah, okay, I'm gonna do it,” and so, I remember I told her, like, face-to-face – like that seems so ballsy now – I told her, and she said, “I really like you, too, but I have a girlfriend, and she's in St Louis.”

Fast forward, that girlfriend – not in St Louis. That girlfriend – best friend of hers at the high school we went to.

So, it wasn't long before that blew up in everybody's faces because, of course, I was like, “Your girlfriend's in St Louis, I'm still flirting with you.”

And so, yeah, that blew up in all of our faces because she was not pleased that I kept flirting with her in front of her.

Laughter

So, that's when I kind of realized – it was really funny because my friend that had encouraged me to, like, say something to her, I came back to him, and I was like, “Well, she's gay,” and he was like,
“Of course she is.”

He was like, “Of course the first person you would tell that you, like, that's the same gender of you, at the time, right? Like, would say, ‘Oh yeah, I'm gay too.’”

So, yeah, that's when I kind of realized that I was gay, or at least not straight.

When I discovered the word pansexual that is what really kind of connected with me and helped me realize, like, “Oh yes, okay, pansexuality works for me,” which is, you know, loving or the interest in anybody outside of a gender.

So, gender not considered at all – what they were, what they are, what they will be. It doesn't matter. It's the person – which really fit for me in the way that I describe myself.

Caitlin Cunningham shows off their “gay” tattoo on Saturday, April 20, 2024, at their home in Columbia. Cunningham said they have multiple tattoos both for fun and to represent different aspects of their identity. One they are especially proud of is the word “gay” inked above their knee in old English letters. When Cunningham stands next to one of their partners, who has a matching “ish” tattoo, the pair becomes “gayish.” “It's an interesting concept, to me, this concept of pride. And it's something that as I've gotten older I think I understand better. Because I do think that at first you've been told you're lesser. So, to be proud feels—you know, you're taught as a child, ‘You don't want to be too proud. You don't wanna be too cocky. You don't want to be too in anybody's faces,” Cunningham said. “I've worked really hard on building a community and a support system. And I've worked on my mental health, and I have worked on my emotional journey. I've made a lot of choices, conscious choices—and there's been a lot of luck from the universe as well—that have gotten me to the point I am today.”

And then I found coming out as nonbinary to be, and identifying as nonbinary to be, something that is a vastly different experience than being queer in my sexuality.

Queerness, almost like – queerness in my sexuality almost feels like I'm opting in to something. Not that it's a decision, but it feels like a decision. Like I'm going to pursue this.

Whereas being nonbinary in my, you know, identity feels like an opting out – opting out of being a woman, what I was assigned at birth, like choosing to make a decision to be a little less feminine or whatever.

When in reality, like, it's just I wake up and sometimes I can recognize that my gender feels very fluid.