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Missouri Health Talks

Borderline personality disorder 'isn't making me less of a person, less worthy of love.'

By Bailey Stover,
Rebecca Smith
Published December 5, 2024 at 9:00 AM CST
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Nathan Gilbert sits on his bed with his pawpaw sapling, which he sometimes refers to as his “son,” on Friday, April 5, 2024, at his apartment in Columbia. Although Gilbert is a bisexual, transgender man, he said he recognizes the “passing privilege” he has, a concept which he defined as “being able to be interpreted by society as a cisgender person.” “Even before I started testosterone, I would say I had that privilege. So even in a society where some people may perceive me as queer, I’d say a majority of people—you know, not a majority, but a lot of people—don't. And, that also means I don't face as much stigma or cruelty as other people, as my counterparts, as people that I consider to be my trans family, just my own community. A lot of people experience harsher than what I have experienced,” Gilbert said. “It's easy for me to be myself in a public space and not be judged for it. You know, even with, like, having a couple piercings and everything, it's just, ‘He's an alternative guy. He just does what he wants.’ And, especially in a college campus, people just don't really care in the city. No one cares. I am able to be myself in a lot of places, to a certain extent.”
Bailey Stover
/
KBIA
Nathan Gilbert sits on his bed with his pawpaw sapling, which he sometimes refers to as his “son,” on Friday, April 5, 2024, at his apartment in Columbia. Although Gilbert is a bisexual, transgender man, he said he recognizes the “passing privilege” he has, a concept which he defined as “being able to be interpreted by society as a cisgender person.” “Even before I started testosterone, I would say I had that privilege. So even in a society where some people may perceive me as queer, I’d say a majority of people—you know, not a majority, but a lot of people—don't. And, that also means I don't face as much stigma or cruelty as other people, as my counterparts, as people that I consider to be my trans family, just my own community. A lot of people experience harsher than what I have experienced,” Gilbert said. “It's easy for me to be myself in a public space and not be judged for it. You know, even with, like, having a couple piercings and everything, it's just, ‘He's an alternative guy. He just does what he wants.’ And, especially in a college campus, people just don't really care in the city. No one cares. I am able to be myself in a lot of places, to a certain extent.”

Nathan Gilbert is a college student in Columbia who has borderline personality disorder, or BPD – a mental health condition that impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions and can lead to tumultuous relationships.

He spoke about his BPD diagnosis and how the condition impacts his life, but does not define him.

Missouri Health Talks gathers Missourians’ stories of access to healthcare in their own words.

 Nathan Gilbert: I think my mental illness isn't like a super strong definition of who I am – it’s just something that I have.

I'm a person with passions and interests, and I just so happened to do the be this or to have this and to do this, you know, I just so happened to have BPD.

And BPD is a really hard thing to be diagnosed with because it's something that when, you know, when a psychiatrist or a psychologist or someone else tells you, you have it, the first thing is that – the first thing that I thought at least was that I'm never going to be happy again, I'm never going to be, have a sense of normality.

"Me being myself, and me having, you know, what I have isn't making me less of a person, less worthy of love, less valuable."

Because for what people have as normal feelings, normal thoughts, in the mind of a BPD person, it's just a lot of turbulence and rough patches and feelings.

A lot of amplified emotions can occur, and you see a lot of like emotional outbursts and shutting down and, you know, just general instability and fluxes in emotions.

It definitely like made me harder to get along with and for people in my life to be able to be a part of it without any kind of backlash or, you know, tirades for me at the time, especially when I was younger. I was a lot worse.

It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to go through, because it's just, it feels sometimes like you're just drowning, and there's nowhere to go.

And you're just kind of, just in there by yourself, and the waves are getting bigger and bigger and just completely, you know, enveloping you in them. And it's especially hard when you like, lash out at the people you love.

Nathan Gilbert sits on his bed with his pawpaw sapling, which he sometimes refers to as his “son,” on Friday, April 5, 2024, at his apartment in Columbia. Although Gilbert is a bisexual, transgender man, he said he recognizes the “passing privilege” he has, a concept which he defined as “being able to be interpreted by society as a cisgender person.” “Even before I started testosterone, I would say I had that privilege. So even in a society where some people may perceive me as queer, I’d say a majority of people—you know, not a majority, but a lot of people—don't. And, that also means I don't face as much stigma or cruelty as other people, as my counterparts, as people that I consider to be my trans family, just my own community. A lot of people experience harsher than what I have experienced,” Gilbert said. “It's easy for me to be myself in a public space and not be judged for it. You know, even with, like, having a couple piercings and everything, it's just, ‘He's an alternative guy. He just does what he wants.’ And, especially in a college campus, people just don't really care in the city. No one cares. I am able to be myself in a lot of places, to a certain extent.”
KBIA News
Nathan Gilbert: "I'm trans... it's not my defining characteristic, but I think it's important in who I am."
Bailey Stover
Nathan Gilbert is a 20-year-old college junior at the University of Missouri. He's also a bisexual transgender man who spoke about the “really long time” it's taken him to embrace and celebrate his entire identity.

I think BPD is important to recognize and understand, and it's important to realize that a person is not their mental, mental illness – oh my gosh – a person is not their mental illness.

But you know, it can still affect a person and recognizing that someone has something isn't the same as diminishing them to what they have.

And I think it's definitely had a profound experience on my life and how I've interacted with people, and I think I've started to learn how to, to realize that I'm – that me being myself, and me having, you know, what I have isn't making me less of a person, less worthy of love, less valuable.

It's just helped me realize that I'm somewhat different and, you know, that that's okay.

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Missouri Health Talks Top Storiesmental illnessmental healthMental HealthLGBTQIA+lgbt health
Bailey Stover
Bailey Stover is a multimedia journalist who graduated in May 2024. She is the creator and voice of "Alphabet Soup," which runs weekly on KBIA.
See stories by Bailey Stover
Rebecca Smith
Rebecca Smith is an award-winning reporter and producer for the KBIA Health & Wealth Desk. Born and raised outside of Rolla, Missouri, she has a passion for diving into often overlooked issues that affect the rural populations of her state – especially stories that broaden people’s perception of “rural” life.
See stories by Rebecca Smith