KBIA News

Alphabet Soup

What radical courage does it take to love in the face of hate? Through portraiture and personal narratives highlighting joy, belonging, found family and meaningful romantic and platonic relationships, KBIA’s Alphabet Soup challenges the notion that Missouri’s LGBTQ+ community is a monolith.Tucked away within the amalgamation of letters that makes up the LGBTQ+ community and the complex identities each represents is joy: rebellious, resistant, radiant. If you have a story you would like to share, visit https://tinyurl.com/LGBTQJoy or contact news@kbia.org.Created by Bailey Stover.

Nathan Gilbert: "I'm trans... it's not my defining characteristic, but I think it's important in who I am."

KBIA | By Reporter & Photographer: Bailey Stover, Producer: Sarah Kiefer, Photo Editor: Nick Sheaffer

Published October 4, 2024 at 5:13 PM CDT

Nathan Gilbert sits on his bed with his pawpaw sapling, which he sometimes refers to as his “son,” on Friday, April 5, 2024, at his apartment in Columbia. Although Gilbert is a bisexual, transgender man, he said he recognizes the “passing privilege” he has, a concept which he defined as “being able to be interpreted by society as a cisgender person.” “Even before I started testosterone, I would say I had that privilege. So even in a society where some people may perceive me as queer, I’d say a majority of people—you know, not a majority, but a lot of people—don't. And, that also means I don't face as much stigma or cruelty as other people, as my counterparts, as people that I consider to be my trans family, just my own community. A lot of people experience harsher than what I have experienced,” Gilbert said. “It's easy for me to be myself in a public space and not be judged for it. You know, even with, like, having a couple piercings and everything, it's just, ‘He's an alternative guy. He just does what he wants.’ And, especially in a college campus, people just don't really care in the city. No one cares. I am able to be myself in a lot of places, to a certain extent.”

Nathan Gilbert is a 20-year-old college junior at the University of Missouri. He's also a bisexual transgender man who spoke about the “really long time” it's taken him to embrace and celebrate his entire identity.

Alphabet Soup shares LGBTQ+ Missourians’ stories through portraiture and personal narratives.

Nathan Gilbert: I've had multiple times in my life where I've tried to push back against what I felt was just – not only me being a tomboy, but then when I realized that I was trans, I definitely tried to push back against it for a while.

When I was about 11, 12, you know, I started to realize that all the girls around me were doing other things, and, you know, were starting to get more feminine and do these things, and, you know, make fun of me for not being like them.

I tried pretty hard to be more feminine – grow my hair a bit longer.

Eighth grade, I think, was like, I really, I tried my absolute hardest to be as feminine as I possibly could. I would always, like, try and put on makeup every morning. I would always do this, this and this, and, you know, I tried really hard to be feminine.

Because I had transferred districts, school districts, at that point. It was like, “Oh, a way for me to start over, for people to finally see me as normal.”

A jar of Nathan Gilbert’s testosterone vials sit on a table in bedroom on Friday, April 5, 2024, at his apartment in Columbia. Gilbert said the vials are a symbol of his growth and represent his journey to becoming himself. “That brings me a lot of joy to see how far I’ve come,” Gilbert said. “A lot of cis men I know don't like to be hairy. I love it. I think it's awesome. It makes me feel powerful, makes me feel manly. And, I see it, and I’m like, ‘Yeah, good job. Good job making more body hair.’”

It just didn't really work out that way because, like, even when I dressed up all feminine and everything, it just – everything was off.

It was right around freshman year that I discovered about, like – because at that point I knew what being transgender was, but I didn't know how it was like defined, or really what it was like.

And I, honestly, only ever thought about like more MTF [male to female], and I didn't really realize that, like, FTM [female to male] was as much of a thing.

And, you know, then I also saw my stepbrother, who had – he's transgender as well, and I was like, “Oh, this is like a thing, and he looks so much happier, and he seems so much happier.”

And I'm like, “Wow, I didn't even realize this was, like, possible for me to do, or for anyone to do.”

But it took me a while, like, to realize, really, that, you know, because I'd still – even then, when I was like, “Oh yeah, I'm a trans guy.” I'm like, “Well, what if I'm not?”

You know, up until – probably even after I started testosterone for a while – it was like, “Is this the right decision? Am I really trans, or am I just making this stuff up?”

It really, it took me, I think about, from like, the beginning of 2021 until probably, you know, maybe up until mid to late 2023, probably two and a half years, for me to just be like comfortable and okay with – not only my transness, but like, with recognizing that it's okay for me to be trans and not hating myself for it, and actually, like, loving myself.

Not because I'm trans, but , like, I guess part of it is, yeah, because, you know, I have a more sacred understanding of my body and like a connection with it and with myself, I think, in like a weird, spiritual way. But it did take me a really long time.

Laughter

You know, oftentimes I'm perceived as, like, just a stereotypical bisexual man – which is true, but I am also transgender, and people don't recognize that.

And it makes me feel, sometimes, isolated – especially from my own community. Not that it's not my like, – sorry – it's not my defining characteristic, but I think it's important in who I am.