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Alphabet Soup

What radical courage does it take to love in the face of hate? Through portraiture and personal narratives highlighting joy, belonging, found family and meaningful romantic and platonic relationships, KBIA’s Alphabet Soup challenges the notion that Missouri’s LGBTQ+ community is a monolith.Tucked away within the amalgamation of letters that makes up the LGBTQ+ community and the complex identities each represents is joy: rebellious, resistant, radiant. If you have a story you would like to share, visit https://tinyurl.com/LGBTQJoy or contact news@kbia.org.Created by Bailey Stover.

May Hall on their nebulous relationship with gender: 'Whatever it is, it is, and it's me.'

KBIA | By Reporter & Photographer: Bailey Stover, Producer: Rebecca Smith, Photo Editor: Nick Sheaffer

Published July 11, 2025 at 2:00 PM CDT

May Hall sits on her motorcycle on Tuesday, April 1, 2025, at David R. Francis Quadrangle in Columbia. “For me, gender euphoria is kind of a nebulous thing to pin down because it's the sort of thing where it's like, I will occasionally look in the mirror and be like, ‘Wow, I look really cute. Wow, I look really girly,’ etc, etc. But it's less of like a, ‘Oh my God, yay,’ joyous moment, and more of like a, ‘Oh my God, finally. I've been waiting on this.’ It's more of like a, ‘There we go. That's kind of what I've been aiming for this whole time,’” Hall said. “It is just those moments where I'm more passively just pleased with where I'm at. There are times where I'll be laying with my head on [my partner’s] chest, and it's like, ‘That just feels really nice.’ I feel, I don't know if it's feminine, but it's definitely, like, at peace. And, at this point in life, I'm less chasing the euphoria of like, ‘Oh my God. Gender,’ because I don't even know what I'm aiming for, and more aiming for the, like, ‘I would like to feel broadly satisfied in my life.’”

May Hall is a lesbian in their mid-20s who defines their gender as “it’s complicated.” They spoke about how their gender – and their definition of gender euphoria – has changed over time.

Alphabet Soup shares LGBTQ+ Missourians’ stories through portraiture and personal narratives.

May Hall: I've completely decimated the typical pipeline where it's like, I went straight from he/him to she/her and then to she/they and then to they/them, and then I tried out any for a little bit, but no one would call me he/him by that point.

And so, I legitimately don't know, and obviously there's an element of, like, both internalized transphobia and then there's, like, dysphoria involved, where it's like, I can count on two hands the amount of times I've been correctly gendered by a stranger.

And so, like that obviously – probably plays partly into like, “Well, should I just present as a man or a very masculine person?”

May Hall shows her self-harm scars on Tuesday, April 1, 2025, at David R. Francis Quadrangle in Columbia. “As the attacks on trans people continue to intensify, going into 2023, I was hospitalized again for another suicide attempt, this time directly related to the political causes around trans people. And it was really upsetting because the main thing that I felt was that it was hopeless and that I had no ability to affect anything, and that I was just along for the ride, and whatever happened happened. And I had no power. I had no way of affecting the world around me. And it was really affecting me. I was definitely in the worst slump of my life. And that was two things compounding where it was my normal mental health struggles, along with the political climate,” Hall said. “And then that year, I think it was exactly seven days after I got out of the ward, I went to my first hearing down at the Capitol. And I spoke there, and I did that quite a few more times that year. And I immediately felt so much better because it was actually going and speaking truth to power, and things were getting stopped, and things were slowing down, and I could see the effect I was having on things.”

And then, there's also just my own internalized feelings about myself, like, I've gotten some laser hair removal done on my face, but there is, like, a time of the month where I, like, my facial hair gets kind of dark, and I'm like, “All right, well, I kind of hate this, and I kind of feel like I look terrible, so maybe girl isn't the way to go.”

And so, I think in a perfect world it would be a lot easier, but as it is right now, I'm just kind of, like, not in a position where I can clearly define myself, and it it's something I'm working through, but it's like, not something that super concerns me. If that makes any sense?

I'm like, “Yeah, I don't really know what my gender is, but like, it's me. So whatever it is, is fine.”

I think the only time I ever really panic is when it's, like, three in the morning and I'm like, “Oh my god, what if my transition was a mistake?”

And it's like, “No, it clearly couldn't have been. I'm immensely happier – even if I am just, like, a dude who got it, like, really wildly wrong at the end of the day.”

Whatever it is, it is, and it's me.

May Hall holds a Polaroid photograph she keeps in her wallet of her and some friends celebrating at Shakespeare's Pizza following the 2023 “Keep Hate Out of Healthcare” protest for transgender rights she led on MU’s campus and in downtown Columbia on Tuesday, April 1, 2025, at David R. Francis Quadrangle in Columbia. “2023 was when we had the protest in relation to the grandfather clause with the University [of Missouri]. So that's actually the biggest protest I've ever held. I can't just describe that as like, ‘It was pretty good.’ It's like one of my core memories that I think I'll hold with me for the rest of my life,” Hall said. “That was really, really great, really huge protest, genuinely amazing, like one of my best things I've ever done.”

Really the biggest impact it would have if I was, like, maybe he/they or any/all would be, like, I don't know if I could still call myself a lesbian without starting discourse, but beyond that, like, whatever.

For me, gender euphoria is kind of a nebulous thing to pin down because it's the sort of thing where it's like, I will occasionally look in the mirror and be like, “Wow, I look really cute. Wow, I look really girly,” etc., etc.

But it's less of like, “Oh my god, yay” joyous moment, and more of like, “Oh my god, finally. I’ve been waiting on that. There we go. That's kind of what I've been aiming for this whole time.”

Which is a little irritating, and a little bit of my old pessimism still sticking around, but, like, it is just those moments where I'm like, more passively, like, just pleased with where I'm at.

And at this point in life, I'm less chasing the euphoria of like, “Oh my god, gender” because I don't even know what I'm aiming for, and more aiming for the, like, I would like to feel broadly satisfied in my life.

And I feel like, as long as everything else feels like, “Yeah, I'm at peace, and I'm good and things are working out well,” then gender euphoria will kind of come with that because I don't think I could ever achieve that level of contentment without being comfortable with wherever my gender ends up.