May Hall and Perrin Dowse are a polyamorous couple. They're both transgender lesbians in their 20s. They spoke about how being successfully polyamorous is built on intentional communication and trust.
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May Hall: Generally, an issue I see with monogamy is someone is unsatisfied with something in the relationship. They're not getting what they need, and it leads to one of two things – they either cheat on the person, or they resent them.
And so, one of the things that I think polyamory kind of gets around is it's the thing where it's like, cool, I can seek my needs elsewhere, and if I communicate that:
A) I'm not cheating
B) You know about it, so there's not that broken trust, and
C) I don't feel trapped
Because one of the big things that I felt back before I was kind of, like, cool with being polyamorous, was, “Well, what if I meet someone and I just kind of like them, but then the perfect person comes along?”
But now, it's a thing of, like, someone comes along and I'm like, “Oh, okay, you seem really cool,” and then I tell Perrin. I go, “Hey, I met this really cool person. I think I'm gonna ask them out,” and she goes, “Oh, dope. Good luck.”
Perrin Dowse: I think that it gets like an unfair reputation from people. I think unfair in the sense that people make assumptions based off of what they've seen, right?
And what a lot of people have seen is complete messes, like massive explosions because, like, that's what shows up on social media. That it's like, “Oh no, my polycule just blew up.”
The thing is though, I get why people like think, “Oh, this is what polyamory does,” but in my opinion, like these are definitely things that happen as much or more in monogamous relationships.
In the sense of like, oh, people are jumping into it, people aren't pulling their weight, everything's blowing up all the time – but it's just not publicized in the way that it is when it's polyamory.
May Hall: I agree to an extent.
I think the reason people see it with polyamory is because when you get a group of people together and add something as volatile as like emotional connection and, like, sex, it's going to create a situation where now you have, like, a group argument.
But also, like, I do agree with you that, like, the core of the issue is not polyamory. I think it's a thing that does happen with polyamory, but it doesn't have to. I think is the best way I'd put it.
Where it's like – yeah, if you have a jealousy problem and you think just having multiple partners will fix that, you're wrong. If you think that because you have multiple partners, you don't have to communicate clearly, you're wrong.
But it's, at this point, it’s my motto of just, like, “Go to therapy.’ I know it's expensive, but oh my god, you have to learn to talk to other adults, or all of your relationships are gonna fail in some way.
Perrin Dowse: In conclusion, be demiromantic and everything will have a better chance of working out.
Laughter
May Hall: Just be a different sexuality. It’s – I mean, I've been told it's so easy.
