Hallene Darland and Tina Sherman are a married autistic and ADHD queer couple. They spoke about the similar unmasking processes they went through when figuring out they were queer and when they got their ADHD and autism diagnoses.
Alphabet Soup shares LGBTQ+ Missourians’ stories through portraiture and personal narratives.
Hallene Darland: When I got my diagnoses, it was difficult to go back to my family and say, “I have ADHD and I have autism,” because they're just the type of people that are like, “No, you don't.”
It's a process, just like with the queerness of saying like, “No, this is who I am, and this is, I need you to accept it,” and then you kind of learn in what ways you've hid your autism, and it's a difficult process to peel that back.
It's chaotic, but it's great — because you get to learn who you really are.
Tina Sherman: I think for me, because so much of the way that I interacted with people was trying to figure out how I was supposed to be doing it — that that covered over also onto sexuality.
Of like, “Ah, at this age, I am supposed to have a crush on a boy. I will pick this one. Sure, I have a crush on this boy now.”
A lot of it was masking in the in the realm of sexuality, as well, because that's what I was supposed to be doing. That's what everyone was doing.
And then there's also an extra lens of in the media we get so much anyway, of like, “Oh, you know, women just kind of tolerate sex, and women just kind of tolerate attention from men” and these sorts of things, so I had in my head that, “Oh, it's supposed to be an uncomfortable thing.”
So it was a lot of unlearning that, and —
Hallene Darland: And that's a great connection of like the queer community and the neurodivergent community is —
Tina Sherman: Mhmm
Hallene Darland: — but in today's society built for straight neurotypical people, there's an alienation that happens when you don't fit into that mold.
So, when you realize that you're queer, you have a similar process of saying, “There's something wrong with me. I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not meeting the right people,” and finding out that it's okay to be gay. It's okay to be queer. There's a community here for you.
It's so similar to being neurodivergent — to say, “Okay, I'm not trying hard enough. This world isn't built for me, and I struggle a lot, but that's my fault. That's a failing on myself,” and then to realize that “No, you are different and it's okay, and here's how, you know, here's a community for you.”
It's like — this is such a similar experience that maybe that's why so many neurodivergent kids find themselves to also be in the queer community is because it's, like, it's a safe haven from feeling like you're not alone, and it's great.
![Carol Snively, a queer woman and former President of The Center Project who came out in her 30s, stands on the building’s steps on Thursday, Dec. 19, 2024, in front of The Center Project in Columbia. “Because she was so likeable, everyone loved Ellen [DeGeneres]. She was so funny, and so I think it did help family members, although it took me a while to tell every one of my family members. I was very nervous about [coming out] for very silly reasons that didn’t end up being a need to be fearful. They’re all very accepting. It just took me a long time. But yes, having people in the public eye that were out—because after she came out lots of other people started saying what their identities were,” Snively said. “And so the fact that there were celebrities who were starting to talk about things and normalize identities, I think that really helped for me. It didn’t change who I was, but it made it easier for me to verbalize who I was.”](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/f184ad4/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1728x1143+22+0/resize/260x172!/format/webp/quality/90/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F2b%2Fbd%2F94ba4fa54eb5a2335f025df8de94%2F20241219-bas-queer-joy-carol-snively-0054.jpg)
![Trent Rash sits at his piano on Monday, April 7, 2025, at his home in Columbia. “[My partner David Hall and I] were at this event for Planned Parenthood, raising money, and it's kind of a desert around here, right? We're so lucky to have it here in Columbia. And I said, ‘Anytime we get together like this in a room, and we are with each other, and we're united and we're laughing, that's what queer joy is.’ And it's so important now because it makes people so upset, which is funny to me, that they — but guess what? Guess who's really unhappy? They are. It's not us. They're just unhappy because they see what we have and they can't. I wish they'd find it for themselves because I think they'd back off,” Rash said. “Queer joy is the fact that people have fully embraced and accepted their authentic self. And that is such a burdenless place that you can't do anything but be joyful, you know? … I see trans people. I see non-binary people. I see bisexual people. I see gays, lesbians. They're just exuding who they are. And so, if you're doing that, that's queer joy. It's the intersection of your authenticity and how you're showing up in the world. And I think when those things align, you're going to be joyful, for anyone.”](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/9826378/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1750x1158+0+0/resize/260x172!/format/webp/quality/90/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F2b%2F95%2F418b4ac54824a63216062dfd1db2%2F20250407-bas-queer-joy-trent-rash-0282.jpg)